Deblicious ©

To you.

2011-12-06T20:27:00.003+07:00

To the anonymous loser who commented on my blog.

FUCK YOU. People make mistakes. Lies even,in the past. I can't say I'm even proud of it and least now I own up and don't do such things anymore. And if you don't like reading about my bubble of a world then fuck off.

And oh. Since you can't even own up about being transparent as a human being I don't see why I see the need to write to you nicely as well.

2 weeks.

2011-11-05T23:44:00.003+07:00

Countdown to my exams.

I remember saying I wouldn't write here till exams end

but

I just had to come here and write cuz I've been jamming my brain with words I mind as well release all that stress with words as well.

Studying has been hard.

Mrs.Yee said this would be one of the hardest hurdle to face and indeed,it has just been a gruelling time. Like everyday,my life's purpose is to

study and

sleep and

study.

I've been off fb for a while. Which is quite an achievement since Im always so connected all the time before this( IM ALWAYS REACHABLE ACCORDING TO SOMEONE).But still occasionally I'll wish people birthday all la.

I wonder if I ever die tonight or tomorrow Ill remember my last day as just being a nerd.Gosh. But I believe I'll live till I'm wrinkly and saggy and what not. I hope I do,to say the least.

*if i die young right, I don't want to be laid with a bunch of roses ok.I want HYDRANGEAS.they're pweettyyy.

Being single for the first time in the longest time.

I can't say much about that.

I guess I'm adjusting and I notice getting noticed and talked to a lot more by people. HEHEH

So preoccupied with my giant of an exam I don't actually have time. to think about it.But they say being single is fun. So I might just try that for a while.

or for a long time.

Till I meet someone right.

Yeh.

I've been trying to gain weight so I've been eating like MOUNTAINS OF FOOD for supper every night.

Even for normal meals, I eat more than my average and yet...

last wednesday...

my classmate JOE HANG actually told me I lost weight.WTF.But on the plus side.I have a nice butt noww.HAAAA oktmi.(ignore this phrase k?!)

THAT SHALL BE ALL.Love you guys. See ya after muh exams.

I.

2011-10-01T23:02:00.002+07:00

I really had my game face on all the time.It's just the matter of how hard I'd push myself to go that extra mile.Was quite disappointed with my trials this time round.Actually knew that I didn't put in much effort but at the same time I was just so tied down and stressed studying all the time and the efforts felt a bit like a waste.There's probably another 50 days left till the real thing and I have God to draw my strength from.

It's been 2 weeks. Friends around had been a great bunch. Things are beginning to feel better and I just hope it'll stay that way for now.

The week after the break up, I actually talked with my mom about it. She just adviced me a lot and for the first time in a long time,she gave me a very long hug. Not those hugs that are sentimental for the moment or a congratulatory hug, a hug that I last remembered getting when I was nine.Which was a very long timee ago.Like ages.I just continued to cry and hold her there and then in that embrace and she just squeezed me really tight knowing how difficult it was for me to really pick myself up at that time.

I really thank God for her because she really helped put things into perspective for me.A lot of people have been a concerned lot and Im just grateful. Well at least this chapter of my life closes,I guess a new page has to be written.

----

The next day,Jane and I went to Penang for a trip.To shop for our dresses.Hehheh. It was total chaos that morning before take off coz I arrived at the station without my tickets (coz I left my purse on the bed...so stupid of me wtf) and I had to fly back home(well,actually mom sped like crazy all while shouting at me at the same time) and get the tickets and then Jane went to the wrong station and I only found out after calling her when I didnt see her in the station 5 mins before take off.FULAMAK.Like I said-chaos.

But thank God we managed to get into the bus in the nick of time.LIKE SPOT ON. Hahahaahaah.

To cut the story short,I managed to get my dress but Jane didn't. But I had fun with her. :) My cousins also hung out with us for a while.Designated drivers.HAHA.And otw back,we also almost got robbed/raped/murdered/idk la coz there was this two bangla guys who followed us when we were walking from my grans place (which was like 2 mins away from the station)towards the bus station and my cousin actually called to say she saw them following us. Which was quite scary.

In the end, I just had a great time with my bestie and Idk when we'd ever do this again.Haha.

Anyway,it's been a long time since I've done actual blogging I kinda forgot how it felt to pour out my day in my blog.But I guess I won't do it much considering I have to...HAVE TO STUDY. So this would prolly be the last update till Dec.

Nights,world and beyond (I still believe there's something out there *Xfilestheme).

Okay,okay.BYEEEEEE.

This is it.

2011-09-19T19:24:00.001+07:00

Fin.

Forever didn't last for me. I don't ever want to get hurt anymore.It's too much to bear.

2011-08-21T15:33:00.001+07:00

claiming;

i sit on the cobbled ledge waiting for you to come, and i think there must have been something i must have missed, something i must have forgotten…
the numbers on the calendar tick down to the day i do not want to come, but there’s nothing i can do, and i ask myself, why must you be the one leaving, and i the one to stay behind, but i cannot answer these questions, so i just turn my head towards the sun and watch blinding sparks of imagination streak across my vision, making me numb to the thought of being apart from you.

Deserting.

2011-07-29T21:29:00.003+07:00

“There are so many fragile things, after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts.”

—	Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

I've def been counting down on the days I was going to handover my post.Then, TC said we had to train the future excos for another week.SIGHS. Countdown pushed back.

I believe if I were made lady head last year,things would've just been so different and if I were to turn back time,I'd still relive being a deputy anytime.I saw the kind of pressure you'd have and falling short of teachers and students expectations alike can be daunting. So,thank you Lord.

Now on to serious matters.There was this point of time I actually considered taking my life.I know it's stupid,I already know. I just couldn't take the emotional weightage. It was just too much.I know it's wrong to say this but I actually thought about it. I was facing things alone,in a crowd of people. Broken. I just had to pick up the pieces on my own cuz I knew I just had to. No one could. People just didn't want to listen.Properly. And also because I couldn't bring myself to pour out everything cuz I know it would've been too overwhelming to the listener. I didn't blog as much because I just couldn't vent. I'm not trying to scare you or anything ( ifyou'rereadingthis) but I knew I meant the world to one person and also because of an incident few months back,so that really put my thoughts in a rational state because I saw how much it hurt people. Having him around didn't help much as well because my heart bled each time I remembered the past.

I know you must be thinking I'm crazy. Stupid, even, to think about it. But that was how much hurt I had inside. So I took a day off. I cried my heart out. And felt so much better after that. And so day by day,I coped. People say I'm strong,so I guess I'll believe what they say.

I'm fine now,really. It was just a thought. Nothing else. Just want to document this part of my life in this measly lil blog no one reads now so I can come back some time in the near future to read it.

With love,Deb.

Thriving on ice so thin.

2011-07-23T16:49:00.002+07:00

Sometimes,I wish I was your priority.Not all the time, just at times when I'm lonely I expect you to actually be there when you're already physically there,but no,you were missing.I just got to get used to a lot of things. Comparing things less. Maybe then i'll truly see things for what it is and not just complain about it.

Ten

2011-06-23T20:10:00.003+07:00

I still remember,all our firsts,all my firsts.

I still remember how you were the one that stayed true when no one else did.

I still remember that night.

Ten months,baby,I had loved you for all of its days.

I love you.

Bed.

2011-06-23T19:51:00.002+07:00

I can't remember the last time I looked up into the ceiling waiting to fall asleep. Every night, it's just OK BED NOW.SLEEPY LIKE..*SNORES. Dad says I look like a zombie.Couldn't agree more. I really need a break.I keep taking short breaks but they never really are breaks coz I'll be worrying about the work I need to do after my break. Dayum,Im turning into a nerd.

I have another 6 more months to ending this phase of my life.Which I'd gladly welcome with open arms.Hell,I'll even light a firework,confetti, pop a champagne...the works.:D There's just so many things I wished could happen this year, but at the end of the day I'm glad it didn't.

Handing over my deputy post in about a month's time.Can't wait actually. Just wanna torture my successor with all the responsibilities.Bet they'd last....an hour at the most.HAHAHAHHAAH.Im joking. SMI is def somewhere I feel belonged and I loved my experience here. Every bit of it. People will never understand the Michaelian way of life. Only people in the fraternity would and that's the single most exclusivity you'd ever want to keep and live by and it's something I'm proud of. Especially the Lasallian family I have. It's just amazing.

Anyhow,I just wanted to update this stale blog.

Until then,REMEMBER TO EAT YOUR VEGGIES PEOPLE!wtf.hah.

Independance.

2011-05-20T15:50:00.001+07:00

I keep the ashes from the flames that devoured your soul in that rusted locket that i delved from the the bottom of the sea, that metal heart that blesses me with a safeguard from these wild beasts that seek for me, unleashed from the caverns of the heartbroken, the jealous, the wrathful.The ashes sometimes whisper unspoken secrets in languages i do not understand, but all the same, it’s a ghosting reminder, that you’re here, that you’ve never left.

I sometimes wonder.

2011-05-14T19:35:00.002+07:00

What compels you to ignore that life is a battle?

That you end it when God had brought you to it to see your purpose.

I've been just so tired. So tired of everyone expecting so much out of me. Then not thanking me for it. So tired of the endless assignments and work I have to keep up to. No sense of satisfaction each time I cut of a task from my to do list because I know the next day I will have some more.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.Matthew 6:34

Then this comes in my head. I just hope I'll be done with my exams. Because I'm just so exhausted and have no more mood to study anymore.

Nineteen.

2011-04-09T23:07:00.002+07:00

Actually I always love the week I have my birthday.It makes me feel so loved. Or even more than usual and it's just an indescribable feeling.

To my baby boy, thank you.This is our first. And you are truly an exception.;)

This is the first birthday I actually got pets as my present!I got two hamsters,which I have named Hammie and Mimi.THEY ARE UBER LAZY. Hahaha.And Sookie,thank you for getting everyone to chip in.:) To my bestie Jane, baking nineteen muffins ( and very yummy ones at that) really impressed me coz I know it took up lots of time and sheer effort of buying the cakebox :P & I love you to bits! Onggie,thank you for making me remember about the times we laughed our asses off at the very same things. You make me miss you as my tablemate even more.

I actually didnt have much to plan tonight and I really loved how everything was pretty easygoing and to spend my birthday with all the people I wanted to invite and not just because it was an obligation really made me happy for once in my life. I never like organising things where I would be in an uncomfortable position to invite people just because so and so got along. But more to the fact that they have been very people who have been there for me. So guys, you really made my day.

Prolly will never forget my nineteeth.Ever.

All that animosity.

2011-03-15T22:44:00.002+07:00

I know I have been doing this emo shit for too long. So. I should just deal with my feelings somewhere private.Elsewhere. That way. You don't have to talk about me behind my back and treat me like I'm some kind of emotional attention seeking paranoid bitch. Coz I'm not.

It's already March. 2011. Time flies actually when you're so caught up your studies. I managed to level up my grades except for Maths. Maths is a total failure even if I worked on it or not. I know for a fact that I haven't actually been talking to people much these few months ( and also the months to come, I foresee) because everything's just been sucking the life out of me. So, to those who felt that I've shoved them aside, I am terribly sorry. :( But if you make a date, I'll def be there. Just that I can't afford to organise another outing to movies or initiate chats on msn like I usually do all the time becoz :

1. I'll be doing my assignments.

2. I am not bothered to say Hi first but I'll still chat if you did.

3. I'm exhausted.

Prefects is up to about 120 people now. Stress levels are pretty high coz you have to face petty complains about a few prefects every few days or so and there's always an event to plan after the other. Right now, it's the retreat in May. The next board better be good, we've just been doing lots of blueprint on all the comms. There are SO MANY CHANGES happening sometimes I don't blame the prefects for being blur themselves. But we're def getting better.

Holidays are now and I actually don't have the motivation to open a book and study. I need to kick this habit.

My baby boy's in Melaka now for waterpolo. :( I miss the living daylight out of him.

2011-02-25T17:01:00.001+07:00

whispers;

“please don’t go…”

your arms are wrapped so tightly around mine that the raindrops cannot tell which is the end and which is the beginning. the icy droplets trickled fluidly down the bridge of us, leaving shimmering paths of continuing behind.

i cannot see anything; i struggle against your grip, but you don’t let go.

i gasp out the words, but i barely have a voice. i can taste my tears, your tears, mingled with the incessant rain that laughs down at us, two teenagers desperately trying to decipher that language called love.

“let me go, i don’t—”

and suddenly i am pressed up against you, and you are whispering that vow onto my lips, forever promising, forever glorious of the unbroken faith of the young.

“i love you.”

and the grey sky is gone, the bitter wind is gone, the damp cold is gone, the drenching rain is gone.

all i see are bursts of blinding elation, a sweeping calm through me that doesn’t fill the hole in my chest, but rather, seals me as an untarnished whole, as if i were never shattered at all, because we were young, we were beautiful, we were alive.

because you loved me.

* * *

i look up at my ceiling. it is still night, and you are not beside me.

i don’t cry anymore. all my tears have been spent, evaporated into a mist of longing that has numbed me. i don’t know what it’s like to feel at all anymore.

the dullness thuds at my skull. i close my eyes, willing myself to forget.

but i know i can’t.

* * *

the calendar tells me it’s almost been half a year.

it feels like years.

Forever and ever.

2011-02-13T21:38:00.003+07:00

Day before Valentines is today.I think my brain is filled with so many lovesongs now it's turn soppy and cheesy and gooey.And everything else related to love.HAAHAHA.

I guess I can say that I've never spent Valentines alone.eversince I was 13. So,that is one interesting fact.

Updates.I've been really drained these few weeks. All the time. But God has been really faithful in terms of providing strength whenever I feel like I can't take it any longer. I have exams in 2 weeks.Which is gonna kill me during the process of studying for it coz I'm expecting myself to buck up a whole lot this year and to just do my best, not to outdo others. Not my main goal in life actually. I'd rather outdo myself. But those JPP people scare the life out of me. So that's why,I need to be kiasu for now. FOR NOW.

I had for cross crountry! Who knew I could run(I can't). HAHA. I got fourth out of a hundred ++ other girls. So not bad at all! And I got a medal for it :D They gave medals to the top ten. So I was so surprised when I heard that. Coz the last I ever got a medal was... like. never.Maybe primary school.

So far, I've been abandoning a lot of people so I MUST find time for people before they leave.

IVOR TAN.YOUR TURN FOR AN UPDATE.

I wish.

2011-01-28T21:13:00.003+07:00

For a second, I wished things would change.

For a minute, I wished I could see beyond the face and into your soul.

For an hour, I wished that you knew what I needed to say to you .

For a day, I wished I could have it all to myself to know why.

Forever and ever, I don't want to feel like this ever again.

All is lost.

2011-01-20T19:37:00.002+07:00

I still remember telling you that forever was yours. But it did not go that way. I just wished I wasn't so rash. I just wish I could take it all back. Now, with words left unsaid, I don't think you'll ever forgive me for doing what I did to you. I just wish I could turn back time.

God, tell me what I should do.

Hello.

2011-01-09T19:56:00.003+07:00

Happiness does not come in the form of jokes,friends or some material thing you get one fine day. It comes from within. I learnt that the hard way.

No one wants to talk to an emo person because they're just killjoys. At the end of the day, you've got more things to smile about the day when you feel happy rather than being sad and tragic the whole day moping about life. Because life is just too short for that.

Know that you have God. Always.

Healing is in Your hands is a great song. I remembered I sang it at a funeral. And it brings tears everytime.

Throw it all away.

2011-01-06T19:47:00.004+07:00

I always wonder about what would happen if I didn't join Form Six. I guess one of the best moments and my worst memories happen in that year itself. If I could live out 2010 again, I'd live it all again. Except for the bad parts. I wished I didn't have to make some decision,ironically I was thankful for the particular ones I made.

2010 saw me happy,depressed,loved,brokenhearted,joyous and experiencing things I've never experienced before-surprises,decisions and regrets.

I'm so so tired.So drained. Sometimes, turning to someone is just as hard. I just really need to talk it out but no one's there to listen. Or bother to listen. Even if they do they'd just want to tell you about THEIR life stories after that.Is it so hard to listen? I don't know for you but I listen to you so why can't you do the same.

I've set a very high hope for 2011 and I just really leave it all to God. People may see the impossible in my dream but I just want to prove them wrong once and for all. The journey is definitely a tough one coz I've been crying (as a result of stress) but crying makes me stronger.

So let this year be my year. Dear God, I dedicate my year to you.

Blissful moments.

2011-01-02T17:15:00.007+07:00

I don't know why when I stare into your eyes I still know. I should stop knowing.

Happy Nuyas peeps. I wish I was braindead till December. Then I'll be happy. Maybe a lil resuscitation in April to celebrate my birthday. Then on to being in a coma again until after STPM finishes.

In silence.

2011-01-02T17:15:00.002+07:00

I don't know why when I stare into your eyes I still know. I should stop knowing.

The fourth day of Christmas.

2010-12-27T22:31:00.003+07:00

All I can say about the holidays is that... IT'S GONNA BE ALL OVER IN A FLASH. This is so so so so so so so so.....

sososososososso pathetic. I need moarrr. :(

I guess this Christmas I've been feeling a different atmosphere,almost like it decided to take a 180 degree turn and I was let down a few times. Nonetheless, it was a time well spent with the family because they've never come down to Ipoh to celebrate Christmas all these years and now, they have. So that was refreshing. I just feel the void sometimes coz I've been so used to being in my comfort zone during Christmas and I'm all for the traditional,so when things didn't go my way this year I was a bit agitated. Thus,the facebook status. And my mom gave me a good long lecture about that. Heh.

I don't ever wanna start school. I was already so stressed out about the many things I had to do during the holidays and now, I just wanna go on an escapade and runaway and chill for a moment. Make that, one month. Then I'll be ready. Hahah. I just want some break time but I have so many plans laid out I sometimes have to choose so much so that people think that I don't wanna go out and socialize but the fact is, there are commitments and priorities I have to make and go on with. And it sucks also because I feel so left out when people talk about outings I didn't go to. Which I tend to want to ignore.

I finally bought ALL my Christmas prezzies! Phew. Except for my dad's. Coz I don't know what to get him!

My homework is still not done. I am doomed for eternity. At least to Mrs. Yee I'm quite doomed.

Amazing Grace.

2010-12-20T10:55:00.003+07:00

Until yesterday, I've never seen someone taking their last breath on Earth. Just as you may think they've gone to a better place with no hurts,no pain,no numbness but it was just as painful to watch the soul leave.

And I remember how it felt when I was still grasping his hand.
I'll miss you Ah Kong.

Long distance.

2010-12-18T22:10:00.001+07:00

For a thousand and one reasons.
Gosh, that song made me cry.

On the stretch.

2010-12-18T00:03:00.002+07:00

Just when I thought I can go out to buy Christmas presents.paintball.do some manicure. Things crop up. Sighs.

I really miss NLLC.

I want to eat now. Im hungry. But i'm lazy to go to the pantry.

I'm going up to Penang tomorrow. My other grandfather is seriously ill. So yeah. :( I am gonna miss the fried charsiewbao I've been eating every supper.

Gosh I sound so emo but I'm actually just hungry.

National Lasallian Leaders' Convention.

2010-12-15T15:39:00.009+07:00

K guys. Don't kill me but this post is gonna be a long one. Don't bother reading. HAHAH.

I am so happy I made the decision not to step down from being one of the nominees for the Prefectorial Board Exco. As I look back, it would’ve been a decision I would regret making for the rest of my life. Had I made that decision, I wouldn’t be able to go to the National Lasallian Leaders’ Convention, to know what the Lasallian spirit is all about, to be introduced to the many school leaders from all around Malaysia and Singapore sharing a same purpose to make this world a better place and discovering my Lasallian family that was birthed through the convention. I can sense God working through things for me because it is like the best thing I’ve gotten eversince I’ve joined Form Six, considering my total reluctance to go for Form Six altogether in the beginning but I guess He had a greater plan for me. And I could see the blessings coming in many forms when I made that decision.

To tell you the truth, I had no idea what this whole convention was about from the start. As the host school that consisted of the whole Prefect’s Exco excluding Nicholas (who was replaced with Cindy instead), it was pretty embarrassing to not know what the hoo-ha was about. When other students from school heard I was selected to go for it, they were green with envy. Some told me I was a lucky girl. Some said it would be the best camp I’d ever go to. To them, it was like every Michaelians dream, or so I was told. I had doubts about it initially because I’ve been to many camps and to me, I didn’t wanna get my hopes up high in the beginning and be disappointed with it at the end of the convention. So I decided to take everything into stride and go with the flow.

The first group I got to know were the Xaverians. My first thought was. HAHAH. Jason and Tihn Chern can totally bond because they’re both of similar height. And Sotonggggg. With his I love SXI shirt. I got to know Aaron Oo and he treated all six of us for lunch that very first day even though I didn’t know him much at all,which was very nice of him. We Michaelians decided we shouldn’t always be sitting together during meals and that we should mix and mingle with the rest of the schools. The word that grew onto all six of us was EXPOSURE. Don’t ask why but that word had been with us whenever we stepped out of the comfort zone. HAHAH. Especially during the Exposure Trip.

Coming back to the Convention, I really had a great time on the first day knowing people during the Hi,Yes,Meet game ( which I did not get a single dot on me coz I’m awesome like that), the station games and I got to know my roommates- Yoga,Chia Yong, Viona, and Vercelli. The Heritage Play was just fantastic and it was my first encounter with the history on how the term Lasallian came about. We were also taught to spot the “moon-walking bear” in the picture of our everyday lives and to have that paradigm shift.

I got to know about the social realities that plagued our society from the presentations of the various schools from their Exposure trip and the ignorance of the plight of these people, or to put it in short, the last, the lost, the least and the lonely. It was a total eye-opening experience. All the schools did a very good job in edifying the problems faced by the marginalized and the lack of awareness shown by society. Throughout the whole time, we learnt that one person CAN make a difference and be that ripple effect to take place. How we can be life-givers and not death-promoters, how corporate led vs being people centred affects us in our working world.

I made new friends in the Creative Workshop, where we got to interact with one another and how I got the name Durian stuck to me throughout the Convention.-_______________-. Our dance to Waka-waka, the Sound Machine, Mirror reflection, the Curtain game, Zuhair’s Geylang moment and a lot more. I guess those were the times when the delegates bonded a lot. And I still think Workshop 2 crowd is so much cooler than Workshop 1.hahahaha. Sorry, my opinion only. :P

I guess the thing that struck me most from this convention was the Solidarity Night. I was actually overjoyed over the fact we had porridge for dinner (coz it was braces-friendly.HAHAHAH) but after having one mouthful into it, I realised there wasn’t anything in it. No salt, no pepper, no meat, no fish L, nothing. Just NOTHING. I had a hard time downing that because it was just the empty feeling of soggy rice in water. Ivor told me it was part of the Solidarity, so he told me the night’s dinner was expected. Then the small little skit at the dining room. Then when we were led up to the hall where we sat on mats and the first thing that came to mind when I saw the lime and I-don’t-know-what-else-coz-it-was-dark was, “Do people eat that for dinner? Oh my. Am I eating that for dinner?!” It was really just a time for reflection and I actually cried a lot in the hall. I remembered what Kin Onn said before he left me alone in the hall, “Crying for them means that you care.” And that made me bawl some more. It was a really good experience. That. And what Mark shared to me after that was really enlightening as well.

The Human Rights Day Celebration was truly an international experience as I got to speak with people from all over the world and the issues that were close to home are also the same things that they face. They were really amazed with our speeches, (of course lah, we’re cunning people :P) and it was all just awesome to congregate together in diversity.

On the last night, the Big Makan was just what we needed. Everyone was in their best and we had yummy food and performances. Highlight for me was St. Andrew’s dance. Everyone felt really reluctant to leave the convention and all of us stayed up chatting the night away and playing games. I remember our sing-a-longs and tepuk tepuks. I remember every single affirmation I got. The lame jokes the OTs would pull off.These memories will forever be etched in my heart and I don't think I can ever forget them. Memories last a lifetime.

I woke up late for breakfast on the last day. So typical of me. :P

I can truly say that, yes, the convention has proved me wrong and it is THE best thing I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ve gained so much from it and have made friends that’ll probably last me this entire lifetime and these friends are my Lasallian family. We shall march on this journey forward with faith.

Signum Fidei

Called to serve with zeal and love inspired.

And with it, my love.

2010-12-01T20:09:00.004+07:00

I remembered someone telling me Form Six really makes you grow up. However much you kick a fuss or just try to not care and live in a word called denial, it really forces you into your present to GROW UP. Like how all these while I still feel like a 14 year old soul trapped in a ....I still feel I look fourteen physically. Whoops.

I want to talk about LTC.

I remembered how the planning for my Prefect's camp went. As the deputy, it was the single big project we had to do. WE as in RJ and I. Previous seniors said it was a curse if you were a deputy. It was an awfully long process and for the longest time, I thought I was doing everything on my own. Or so it felt that way to me. I didn't complain.Or put up a big fuss about having to do every single detail until one fine day, i just couldn't take it. I broke down and cried. FOR A WHOLE BLOODY DAY. Then I told myself, this isn't right at all. My friends noticed how stressed up I was. With eyebags getting worse everyday. Going on the lappie everyday to find for a perfect location. Getting the contacts. Emailing certain parties. IT WAS REALLY HELL. I just felt like hiring a secretary. A paid one. I was that desperate.

One day, everything happened. I told a certain someone off that I couldnt and if that person itself wouldn't want to do it, then I wouldn't bother as well. Mind as well, step up the game or lose anyway. And that one person did. I was glad I made that decision. Because it worked. Eventually everything fell into place. Altho we had to make a lot of changes and I know that people were mad at us for it but it wasn't like we LIKED making those decisions.So LTC was a success. Somewhat. I could be happier but if only, it was longer.

I learnt how a simple gesture can touch one's heart. How the FormFours are actually a smart bunch,not as ignorant as I thought they were. How I felt like we were just family to the point Idk what I'd do if I wasn't in prefects and didn't have this 'family' for myself. You guys really touched my heart. Deep.

Another thing was my exposure trip yesterday to Ulu Geroh. It was a really big eye-opener and a once in a lifetime thing I wouldn't forget. For life. How would you feel if you didn't brush your teeth in the morning? The kids there don't even have a toothbrush to call their own. How would you feel if the only thing you ate that day was just a small piece of fish? Oh gosh, I wished I could be there longer because throughout my stay there the kids would just smile so so wide eventhough there were much bigger problems they had to faced in terms of basic necessity but yet, to them it looked like it wasn't such a big deal. And they tore the piece of bread Cindy gave them into pieces. And that made us give them more bread.

How the youths there actually gave me the answer to what life was. How I realised that people who were living in civilisation,you and me, are just in this world, running a race and for what? At the end of your life, you'd just look back and wished that you would've taken your time instead of letting it pass you by at rocket speed.That just made me think. They weren't stupid you know. They knew.

I learn how to be grateful for instant noodles, the invention of sleeping bags, to thank the Lord I was still alive and that there were still people like them who loved God more than I did.

& my phone was USELESS there. JUST USELESS. DIGI I WILL FOLLOW YOU- FAIL. Brandon was on my mind the whole night I just slept holding onto my phone.

So I just wanna thank God. For this experiences in my Eighteenth year and there is still one more month to this very eventful year. I wouldn't want to trade this with anyone. & God showed me how FormSix was really part of His plans for me. It amazed me a lot.

Carpe diem.More to come.

2010-11-19T19:46:00.002+07:00

I have always thought of the what ifs.

The possibilities.

I fell short. But I let go,only for the better.

I faced many firsts, going into the unknown.

Taking that one risk,or rather by chance, indifferent.

It made me grow. I picked myself up.Learning to not take the people I love for granted, ever.

Hope.

holidays not.

2010-11-18T19:36:00.003+07:00

So so so dumbfounded when i saw my results today. Like a slap in the face. I need to buck up. I can't go on getting these kind of marks. Not like I can afford to let it happen. AGAIN. AND AGAIN. So tired of it.So not happy.

I just want to get over with high school you know. Over with the stupid subjects. Over with competing with everyone and everything.

I should've not cared about LTC. I told myself I would take this lightly coz I had other more important things to do than sitting for a stupid end year exam. But I had no one else to blame but myself. Priority wasn't that.

I am so going to lose out.

I need to work hard. Period.

nuvaaaaaambah.

2010-11-15T19:13:00.003+07:00

I have been feeling really tired lately. Im energized and all that at the start of the day but it's like 8pm now and i feel drained already. I haven't been doing anything much. not one thing. I think I need those energy pills. or Redbull. or just something to keep me awake,damnnit. I feel old.

I want my 5 year old stamina back. I miss it. Sugar rush. Not wanting to nap at 12,still. Waking up like it's the best sleep ever. Jumping and playing all day. LOL.

I want. a trip to Pangkor. Maybe with a friend. Some booze. Good food. Talking the night away. Sea breeze in my face.I want to escape.

I miss him. It's been a long while.

Convertible.

2010-11-14T14:53:00.005+07:00

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY: Ray's blue Mercedes SLK. I can't believe his parents let him drive it.Sheesh.But it was nice.:D with all the people staring at us. and the P. Hahah.

I have one more week till the school term ends. WHEEEEE. Im not gonna get that next year.

But this time I'm not exactly happy it's ending.

Kelsey's back in a week tooo. :)

This, I think, have been the longest since I had a phone conversation every other day. Now I rarely have that anymore. Gosh, I know it's hard but not talking to someone in a day is like. really quiet. and silent. and weird.

I have been.having a lot of rush of emotions lately. Trying to figure out what to do with them. It's not like I can tell someone what I'm going through now, coz I myself don't know what to say.

Compassion.

2010-11-07T17:42:00.001+07:00

Need and want.Can't I have both?

For one moment.

2010-11-03T16:01:00.003+07:00

I sat down.Frozen. It hit me hard like a truck on full speed.

And yet,still as I was, I didn't move.

The question that first came to me was why.

& my sixth sense told me it wasn't you.

You didn't write it.

It couldn't possibly be.

I stared hard into the darkness while the tv was still on,stared into space,

While i let my fingers go cold.

Then slowly,without my knowledge,tears.

Love,it felt like I was torn apart into a million of pieces when it was broken.

Like how someone was stabbing me continuously and I was trying so hard to catch my breath.

And no one was there to catch me from falling.

I thought I lost all I had. But now I know. I still have it.I still have you.

So close yet so far.

Baby,we'll get through.

There's always the calm after a storm.

Thanks,love.

It was all I needed to hear.

Lead me back to that day,where you took my breath away.

2010-11-02T21:13:00.005+07:00

My face at 0900 when deprived of recess.

The holidays for Deepavali are already starting. I feel like this year alone I have SOOOOO many holidays. Malaysians truly are lazy bums, considering how many fat asses running the Government set the dates for holidays that can equal up to 1 month. or two.

I have this thing for rings. I always have this one ring I wear all the time and it's just my signature thing. Love love love rings. Coz they make my fingers look prettier than they already are. :D I tend to notice pianists have really nice fingers. Like how ballerinas have good posture. Sorry, random thought.

Today. I saw 2 nerds lurking in the library. It has only been a week that we finished our exams and they are already studying for next year. OMGAWSH. & to think that I was the insane one thinking of getting on with studying starting next week. I guess they beat me to it already. & I was in the library to borrow a storybook okay. Once I saw them, I borrowed.... a reference book. so FML right. kiasu shit.hahahahha.

The days have been really chilly and I like this weather. I wish it would be like that everyday. The other day I saw this SMI Prefects picture of the lady prefects in the 60s and they had on some really good looking chanel inspired tweed jacket/cardigan thing going on. I WANT ONE. I am so going to propose that. Or not everyday wear the blazer meh.

Today Sarojini praised me for my essay. BWAHAHAHAH. Which wasn't even my best essay. I'll show her best one day. Well, at least one teacher doesn't hate me.

It's the simple things you do that

makes my heart do a double flip.

That smile. Just walking towards me just to say you love me.

How your my thoughts seem to lose themselves in your gaze.

& to me, that's something I hold dear to my heart.

Every single day.

Ok. Just some updates I thought would suffice for the day.It's been a while.

;)

Rainyy and teas.

2010-11-01T19:09:00.002+07:00

The weather's been like this for 2 days in a row. I wish for it to be like this forever.

He brought me tea to school today.Which made my day.

Why the reaction.

2010-10-28T21:06:00.005+07:00

Sometimes, people only want to be close to you when you make the best jokes, when your presence seem to radiate, when you can sing the best, when you can score the highest in your test.

But no one, and i tell you no one, helps you when you're in need.Well, good news is, I don't treat people the way others do. In fact, I believe in making someone's day a little better than how terrible it already is.

I was caught offguard the other day.

This guy I knew since forever,since I was little, being all great for God and this and that,

it was the same person I saw commenting about someone and saying something mean about that person. I mean, it's totally not cool to do that okay.

SO NOT COOL.

& it wasn't like a small minor mean comment. It was just.really hurtful.

I guess these days I've just been facing a lot of things like these and I just want for all the troubles to end.

When the person you love...

2010-10-27T21:06:00.002+07:00

Say things that hurt you but you actually love that person very much.

HOW DO I REACT TO THIS.

And I put my arms around you.

2010-10-21T19:15:00.002+07:00

I don't know what to say actually. Don't know how to make him feel better.

All I know is that I have to be that person to turn bad feelings into good ones.

And to let him know I'm here. That's all I can do. Coz that's all I'm capable of.

Chills.

2010-10-16T08:24:00.003+07:00

Long emo post. Ignore if you don't have time.

2 days to my finals and what am I doing here?

It's just been so taxing lately. Like I don't even know what I've become. I used to be so carefree. Everyday's just studies studies studies and everyone in school is like on tension mode. The only time I get to lie back and chill would be when I see him and when I talk about random things with people. Even that small bits makes me happy by a little.

People in my class are just so kiasu at times ( wait, make that all the time) and I think we're like the most hardworking class yet. The teachers expect so much from us. Esp my Chem teacher. I think if i failed her paper she'd chop me into pieces. Or give stinging insults that actually hit you right to the bone and she'd make you remember it for life.*shivers. Sometimes, I even wonder why I'm taking this. Doing this to myself. Getting away from all these hard work and doing a music course would just be such an easy option. I have a lot of things on my mind. And I don't appreciate people who make things worse for me. & yet, I persevere. I don't want to give up. I'm not that kind of person.

Sometimes I'd just want to cry. Like the other day when Onggie sent me the bible verse I sent her last year, I bawled. Made me feel much better after that. I miss my tablemate. Sitting beside me. Talking. Easing the tension. Lamenting together about our exams and all. Eating in class.Now my tablemate's like... not my type of person. I wouldn't be able to open up about my problems or secrets to her coz she'd tell the whole world about it. I don't appreciate people like that.

Two different passions. God tell me what to do coz I don't know. I need your say about this.

Baby don't worry. You are my only. You won't be lonely, Even when the sky is falling down. :)

Flashback.

2010-10-02T16:14:00.003+07:00

Sometimes, out of the blue I would feel so troubled. Over nothing in particular. And just sit there thinking over the same word that hits me.

Why.

UPDATES.

I'm still dreaming of the polaroid cam. Interest revived after seeing all the polaroid pictures on flickr. Damn jealous now. Needa save munnehhhh.

Yes, form six is killer and I take it as a challenge. It's like Uni. So i think I'll get used to uni coz we get treated like crap every so often and are demanded to do many over the top impossible things in a short period of time. & I haven't touched the idiot box in a don't know how long time. A very long time. Can't remember actually. Still got 2 more weeks to go for finals but I don't feel the pressure yet. I should be studying my ass off. Heeeh. Everyone's been working extra hard ( esp the people in my class) and I am VERY AFRAID. Intimidated to the core.

I just had my Sixth Form Night and my dress was fly. Coz it was something out of the ordinary and I wanted to try it to see how it looked. Not like I would wear something like that anymore.

I have an issue with a particular person. So much talk but no action.Total bastard. I just hope bygones will be bygones and he'll turn over a new leaf. SOMEHOW.

& I don't like knowing some big gossip about someone close to me from someone who isn't. However juicy it is.

I miss my piano. Playing with it.

Definitive of you.

2010-09-25T11:35:00.003+07:00

I had a good dinner. I had a good night. I had a good night's sleep. & I wake up in the morning wanting more of that night.

Curiousity.

2010-09-19T15:30:00.003+07:00

I sense a lot of things. I think it's been affecting people around us more than it does to us. It did not come to the terms because of one person, it was because we decided to together. I actually don't need the attention. I don't want it at all. I just rather you came to me for answers than to keep on with it with other people wondering about what the truth really is.

Because the truth will make you understand why.

I don't even know who my true friends are anymore. I guess people feel better when others are more miserable than themselves.

Updates

2010-09-11T00:10:00.003+07:00

I think I've been keeping people in the dark a lot it's not funny.Time issues.

Btw, I found this in my Picasa and I can't believe i actually saved it.HAHAHA.

Made my day,actually.

We belong together♥

Recover.

2010-09-03T21:24:00.002+07:00

Oh God, please please please please I want my voice back. Like i can't even sing a decent song right now. I miss singing out loud in my room and falling asleep doing that.

Everything's quite hectic. My holiday assignments can kill at least 10 people a day and I've got a 2 week break now. 21 days of holidays altogether including last week's.

I need to plan for a camp for the prefects and it's just being really stressful and I remembered the Survivor Camp we had during our History Makers time & eventhough it was all jungle-like and all, I actually miss that camp. One of the best camps I've been to. So i thought we could go there again. Don't ever wish to be a deputy. NEVER.

I would only tell you pieces of my life if we sit and talk. Coz everything's just too public here.

In that shade of red.

2010-08-27T21:09:00.003+07:00

I've never gotten this sick. For a very long while.But I'm getting better now. I realized I haven't been

And so another chapter of my life starts.

You found me.

Magnon.

2010-08-20T20:35:00.003+07:00

I think I'm falling in love with the ukelele.

Broken Smile.

2010-08-07T20:58:00.004+07:00

Onggie's back this week YAYYYY. I miss her soo soo much :(

I have one week to study. I'm hyperventilating already coz there's a lot to study. & being the deputy prefect also puts a price on your head. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. I worry when i don't study( IM NOT A NERD OI). I don't think I have touched my tv for a long time now( OH CRAP, MAYBE IM MORPHING INTO ONE). Unless Family Guy is on. :D & homeworks are always endless. I DONT UNDERSTAND.

I've just been feeling tired these few days. Late night chats. Heh. Like sometimes I just need an escape. A time where nothing seems to matter. I can just sit some place for an hour reflecting. Gosh. It feels stupid to sit and stare at nothing in particular but it helps. Tea helps. Music helps. Reading a book helps. One day at a time.

Had loads of firsts last Sunday. First time driving to Old Town. First time knowing how to fill petrol in a car (Thanks Brandon! Hahah).First time driving an all dude group to lunch. First time getting into an accident( No biggieeee). My mom was pretty cool with it. She could even joke about it. Gosh. The first thing she asked me when I told her I got into an accident was,

" DID ANYONE..... DIE?!"

ending with a high shrill at the last word.

Jeeeeeez mom. How supportive of you. I didn't know I'd be that bad ya know. But I'm not. Just a teeny weeny mistake that was a big thing.

& yesterday she made a new FB account. Sei lor. Accept or not. UM.

GULP.

You're keeping me on my toes.

2010-07-31T20:58:00.004+07:00

Inception is. still is. I don't get the movie ever. I think i need to watch it 10 times. At least today was a really good chillax day. I didn't have to do anything much. Just got really comfortable and all. Not worrying about anything.

2 more weeks to exams is killer for me. Not enough time for everything.sighs.

It ends tonight.

2010-07-23T19:35:00.004+07:00

There's just been so much drama in school I don't know where to start.

Outbursts. Riots. Boycotts. yeh all that. For the past one week, I've never felt so lost in life. You cannot imagine how aimless I was. Or how confused. To be handed over something unceremoniously, not knowing what to do with it or how to act when congratulatory words are said to you. It just didn't feel right.

It was all just a blur. & considering everything I've been through for the whole month, all I can say is all these had made me stronger. Every single thing that happened. I'm talking about my life in general.

I believe God will take control & restore order in everything. All we need to do now is to have faith, love and hope. 3 big words that we sometimes find so hard to believe in.

& on the bright side, I'm just happy to have R.J. as the co-deputy. Everything's just fly. All but one.

To the one I cherish a lot.

2010-07-17T15:30:00.003+07:00

I just want to remember this picture when i log into my blogposts to read again :P

Distance kills. I wish I was there to celebrate your last teen year. :(

Kelsey Loke. I hope you'll have the time of your life. I still want to know what that ultimate dream was.I love you.

Sorry this is a bit short but I'm not really in the mood to blog.:(

Fall.

2010-07-16T15:11:00.001+07:00

I just stopped.believing.

Together with the rain,we fall through the air.

2010-07-10T11:26:00.005+07:00

I finally got to drive myself out alone today. Most times it's either my mom will be beside me or my brother.

It's Drama week.:D I'm so sad it's gonna end soon. The people and the practices. I just don't want it to be something of the past in the future.

& I've been sleep deprived. So I need aplenty of sleeeeep.

To that korean lookalike.

2010-07-05T16:24:00.004+07:00

Yeh.So far this is the korean-est you look. :D

I admit when I first saw you I never thought we could ever be friends. Just cuz most of the time you spoke canto with your friends and the things we talk about aren't so common & I just assumed 2 years in my last years in school in the same class was just going to be a breeze and I didn't have to make any friends. How wrong I was. So very wrong.

When we became deskmates, we grew closer & we had to much things to talk about. I am just glad. Glad to have a friend like you. To have someone who actually gushes about the same thing at the same time ( altho that's a bit freaky) & to laugh over silly petty things that we sometimes say out of the blue. You've definitely been a great friend and also one of the few people I trust( yeh, I don't have many trustables) and I truly cherish the awesome times we had together.

Happy birthday, Christine Ong SuYen. You'll always live up to be my deskmate no one will ever replace. :)

Black Red Yelloooow

2010-07-04T21:18:00.003+07:00

I need to make a mental note to ask my dentist to change my braces colour to this this week.:D

Expressions needed.

2010-06-26T12:35:00.003+07:00

I realised when I was a kid, adults had a lot of complicated things I didn't want to care about and I took joy in knowing I wouldn't face those " complicated" issues they always talk about, until when i grow older and they say I'd understand by then.

Im 18. I don't see anything complicated really. I just feel that we act just the same way we did when we were six, just making it more complex and emphasizing so much on little petty issues around it that makes it a problem itself. That's all.

Like we only eat waffles, when we're little. Just telling ourselves it's yummy and how we could get another one. But when age catches on, we worry about getting fat, what flavour to put the waffles and what to do next after the waffles are eaten. Maybe a jogging stint to burn the fat.

I remembered I never cared about those things when I was small just cause it was just fascinating enough that waffles tasted heavenly and how I wanted to be a waffle-maker as a living. ( Excuse me, but I was six!)

I'm glad I have a friend to talk like a kid with right this moment, and it's just wonderful feeling the way I do again, A KID, FOREVER.

Unleash.

2010-06-16T18:31:00.003+07:00

During this conference, God ultimately offered me His hand and I ran back to Him after so long.

First of all, when I got there the first day I was really pumped up.( slept only 5 hours,had coffee 3 hours before,so now you know why). All I was thinking was OMG MY SOLO. OMG SO MANY PEOPLE COMING. OMG WHERE ARE MY CHORDS?!. Yeh. Guess who I saw on the first day. Kimberly & Ah Wai!!! BENSON YAP & CELINE YAP after 2312373y21786754 million gazillion ICE AGE years, we met up again. I think I got fate meeting up with surnames Yap this month.

I just cannot describe the worship sessions. You cannot fathom the power of God moving through the whole place & it was just amazing. I cannot explain it in words. It's that wonderful.

I actually joined the dance workshop and this Singaporean team came up to handle the workshop. Pi Leong kor kor was part of the team. :)You might think that they would get right on with dance moves and the how-tos to dance, but oh boy, I was sooooo wrong. They were so deep in their love for God, you can actually be moved to tears when you see them dance. It was just beautiful. It was really humbling because they actually wanted us to move and be soaked in the music just doing whatever we did ( aka our own dance) to glorify God. They just taught us how to experience free worship. & that is something you will never experience, unless you joined the workshop you would've got what I meant.

Someone was actually healed of his broken arm on the first night. How awesome is that.

So throughout the days, we just experienced really amazing things. & I'm just so blessed. So touched. So changed.

On another note,

God has really revealed things to me. Things that happened in the past & how it's helping me right now. How he's telling me He had put certain people in my life last time to let me know now that I'm doing the right thing.Thank you God.

Dreams.

2010-06-14T20:39:00.002+07:00

I am supporting Germany through and through.There's just something about the Germans this year.

Will update on Worship Conference asap.

True moments.

2010-06-08T21:26:00.003+07:00

It is when you see it, you feel the way you feel, how it touches you, how it can evoke a memory so fresh it stays in your mind forever.Books are like memories.

Sometimes, I just want to store all my memories in big lovely boxes coz once in a while I want to open them and linger and just reminisce about my past that has made my future. I am just so afraid that the memories I have will fade and come to pass and it wouldn't mean a thing anymore, I don't want that ever to happen.

I think I need a diary. I seem to start losing my memories faster than ever.

& I thought I saved my last post.but I didnt.

You’re still my everything
To my surprise, before my eyes, you arrive
Don’t worry I’ll catch you.

You are soooo delicious.

2010-06-06T19:25:00.005+07:00

Yummaaaay.

Oh hi.

Had an amazing weekend with the people I call kawan2 yang amak best sekali. Never knew vanilla floats can be something so funny ( inside joke) & black people can't swim. Attended the boring-est gathering evaarrr.Maybe coz we weren't part of it. :( Ketchup with Amanda Yap after sooooooooo long! Gosh, so much to talk about.

Sunday mornings with Jeremy Soon trying to fall asleep during a sermon is something I'll deeply miss for 3 weeks.

Hurrah.finally downloading Ep19 of Glee. Funk this week was. weird.and sad.and priceless. Vocal Adrenaline's faces at the end was beyond epic.

& let the FIFA World Cup begin. Rooting for Germany.And everyone else that has Chelsea players. Except for England. Good football, come to momma.

2 weeks of holidays is something to cheer about naw. :)

3 MORE DAYS.

2010-06-02T16:52:00.003+07:00

This week feels so long.It's only Wednesday. I thought today was Tuesday. Been thinking like that all day even wrote TUESDAY on all my books. fml. Holidays please come & save me.

& I think my sleep time is so so so so needed right now. Afternoon naps are becoming the likely option. Fyi, I've never taken afternoon naps. Unless needed.

Auditioned for drama today. I'm just happy I get to sing. Coz that was all I wanted.

You think you're so far away reaching for something impossible.I think I'm able to.

Seriously this time.

2010-05-30T20:20:00.003+07:00

MISSION: TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

So today I went around saying this to people, quoting that bimbo cheerleader from Glee.:D

"Did you know dolphins are actually gay sharks?"

YEH.I'm so awesome.

UPDATES ON MY LIFE THAT I EXPECT TO WRITE SO I CAN LOOK BACK.

3 weeks of Form Six has been not so stressful. I didn't know AddMaths would come back and haunt me now just for the kicks.:( DAMNNIT. I guess I'm not a pure Chinese to love it so much I can eat it for dinner.

I seriously have no idea how to feel now. Should I be grateful I took that step into school? Another 2 years of 6ams,school uniforms, heavy bags, and 3 storey stairs to climb? Or maybe I have a rising feeling I'd change, give up and go to college? Everyone around has been asking me the same question," You sure ah?" and I don't know what else to say coz last year I was pretty sure Form Six wouldn't be a bloody option but it's so ironic now I'm here doing it coz dentistry isn't exactly cheap.

I've been sooo tempted to take up music business and just be happy and contented with it coz it's something I LIKE to do and it's like my dream job and I won't have to suffer with Chemistry anymore and my parents are more than willing to fund me coz it doesn't cost a bomb & I can jolly well have anywhere I want but I have to bear in mind the future I want to have. Dentistry however is also something I have given so much thought that I'm just so obsessed with being one & it's just something in me that says It's the One. Yet, everything is against me,so far starting from my SPM till CHEMISTRY TARAK CHEMISTRY till my parents till the bloody damn expensive cost which is worse than medicine till being in the last science class in my form.

Hmm, what about taking med la since it's cheaper.Medicine and I cannot mix. I see dead bodies and faint. I see too much blood and faint. Bloody teeth is a different story altogether okay.

But I know what I want to do. I have this killer instinct where I know I've been chosen for something. When I have a sixth sense to make a split second decision and it saved me. It's really scary and it scared the living day out of me coz it's like as though my intuition is so spot on.Yet, it's just so easy to jump ships for me right now & I don't know what God wants me to do at this point coz it seems to me everything that's heading in that direction is just been a failure.

That's why my parents told me to do Form Six. To study better. To achieve spectacular results for STPM so I'd be given another chance at the life I dream to live. & right now, I just want to persevere. Not only for myself, not for them, but for God.

I just hope that this time I'll make it right with the right heart, the right mind and the right attitude. Coz Form Six is not easy. & I want to make it easy for myself. & be the top of my class. And maybe upgrade to first class next year. & beat those lcly guys in my class.

Easiest way: GOOO NERD.

Thanks for listening,you.Now that you've read everything I'm going to listen to my music and cry right now.

Laughters needed.

2010-05-29T14:15:00.004+07:00

I miss laughing.Laughing really hard till my stomach has cramps. Laughing at things people find mundane but I laugh and make them laugh as well.

For what it's worth.

2010-05-27T20:55:00.004+07:00

Brahms'Symphony No.3 moves people to a level they forget their sadness and just dwell in the depths of the song where there seems to be joy,take that joy and turn the emotions around.Actually just listen to Brahms and you'd know what I'm saying right now.

Holidays in a week's time.Breath Deb breath.

Oh pretense.

2010-05-23T20:53:00.003+07:00

I have 2 bloody ulcers.I wish they ca just die now coz braces and ulcers are terrible together.Bad waltz.

I've just been going through a whirlwind two weeks and so far all the teachers keep brainwashing you to think Form Six is killer and you have to start studying 5 hours everyday to get 4As.It's frustrating really coz I know we need to hear it so we don't take this matter lightly but it's starting to get really annoying. I have Pavitra as my classmate. I love her to bits coz other than her, NO ONE is actually funny in class. There's this one SMI guy in my class who's so egoistic can die.So far, I'm trying to keep up. I made up my mind to never study last minute and to keep track of my studies. Hopefully get tops in my class. At least to achieve something this year, God willing.

Erratic weather nowadays.One day you see lots of rain and like today, feels worst than CNY.

Jeremy Soon I miss you. Everyday talks needed. Stress relieve therapy.I don't know how people live in silence everyday not telling their close/best/boy/girl friends about their day.I cannot one lorr.

This year's been a crappy one for me.So I need something to make it right again.

Numero Uno

2010-05-21T20:04:00.004+07:00

I can finally relax. This guy in my class studies till 12am every day,sure 4 flat omg scary. It's only been one week, felt like a year doing those homeworks. I kinda like math. I hate the bio teacher. English teacher's an own race racist. Chem teacher ftw.

I need to listen to more songs so I wouldn't hyperventilate during/after studies to calm me self down.

Look through it.

2010-05-16T19:42:00.002+07:00

I guess everyone looks like that on their first day.to school.to a new job. to an interview. to seeing your inlaws.being in love etc.

I've been eating just waffles three days in a row.Yea,they have that in school.Happy me.

And no homework yet.Happy me.

And tomorrow's Teacher's day.means no homework again.Happy me.

I shall not elaborate on the cons.I'm no killjoy.:P

We wrote a prelude to our own fairy tale.

2010-05-08T22:11:00.004+07:00

Seeeee.I've been so bored I find for things like these.

Thanks for telling me....now.:)

I guess people just have to fill the void within me.Just being there is enough.Just saying hi everyday makes me a happier person. Jokes do etch in my heart. But the simple conversations about silly little petty things grab my heart the most. That's just me. That's how I remember things in my small mushed up head.

Now,to start a new page in my life.I'm not saying I look forward to it so much.:/

CHELSEA VS WIGAN,CHELSEA FTW!Sorry.Just had to cut aside the emoness and let out some TRUE BLUE SPIRIT.:D

A minute wasted.

2010-05-07T20:21:00.003+07:00

In 3 days time.I will be going through the same routine since I was 7.God bless me.

"Love lost is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t."

Mitch Albom

Begotten.

2010-05-04T20:49:00.003+07:00

I'm just enjoying my one week of freedom before Form Six starts.I guess I've decided to do it because I weighed out the money factor and even if I do any other pre-u now(intakes are in July), there won't be a difference in time coz it'll end around the same time anyway. & I plan to study like a nerd for these 1 and half years.

Bright side would be yummy food, the liberty to drive at will, very long holidays(gonna study much though) & it'll be co-ed this time.So okay la.

Went on my first school buddy sleepover.Had a blast.So much to talk and catch up. Found out that Heineken was actually yummiest among beers.Seriously. & everything was just good. Good catching up.

CHOIR IS GOING DOWN CAN CRY,DIE, JUST ADD ANYTHING MISERABLE TO THE WORD AND YOU GET IT. Idk why they are just terrible. So I've been going for 2 days to school. Pn. Florina.I actually missed her. They have another 3 weeks to competition. They havent started their English song. They are off keyed. They sing out of pitch like 2/3 of the Malay song. What's more, this year's district. STUPID. WHY IS DISTRICT IN THEIR YEAR AND ISN'T IN OURS. I've been waiting to want to beat Tarcisian's ass for years now, and only this year we get the chance?! Pffft. When I'm gone! Stupid stupid stupid.

It was so bad I had to resort to making each of them sing their part one by one just so I know what the hell is wrong with them.(trust me,its all wrong).& this girl cried! Alamak. I hope I wasn't the one who made her cry. I didn't even like.SCOLD HER. omg.SEI LA CHOIR.

On another note,I've just been really emotional lately. Crying at odd times. Times when I don't even know why I cried and just wipe it off after that. Seriously,I need like anti-depressants or something.

Im the CUTEST.

2010-05-02T21:19:00.000+07:00

Deb l says (10:16 PM):

POOP.

haha

Eva are you going to school tmrw also?

Sueli says (10:16 PM):

hahahhaha

Sueli says (10:17 PM):

Yeh eva come to school la

i didnt call her fyi

Deb l says (10:17 PM):

I thought have to get this letter thing to go F6.

So go along also la.

Eva Bing says (10:17 PM):

go school for choir eh?

adeline was telling me

NO DEBBIE

print online d la now

so old school la u

Eva Bing says (10:18 PM):

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA ok fine, debbie's cuter than me

Sueli says (10:18 PM):

Hahhaha. My butt still cutest.

Deb l says (10:19 PM):

HAHAHAHA

I ♥ Eva.HAHAHAHA.

& I ♥ CHELSEA.WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO.

EMO.

2010-04-29T20:38:00.004+07:00

Ijustdon'tknowwhattodoaymorecoznoonelistensandthinktheyhavethebettersolutionthan

IhavesoImjustsotiredokayIjustwannabreakfreeandwantpeopletostopmakingdecisionsfor

meandtellingmemydreamissoimpossible.SO SO TIRED OF IT.Godhelpme.

I guess I just have to suck it up and do Form Six.Against my own will.& get those bloody As.And get away from this stupid ass country.

When you said that it is done.

2010-04-25T21:59:00.003+07:00

Currently sick. I don't know what to do. My options have failed me. & I'm talking about my life in GENERAL.

I just want to have you playing the guitar and me writing the songs and we singing it.

There will come a day.

2010-04-22T18:14:00.003+07:00

#1 habit you should kick coz not everything is funny.

It's not very funny when I just said my ice cream's melting and I need to go finish it. You don't have to laugh out loud at that.

Sleep.

2010-04-20T21:12:00.003+07:00

Camp was killer man. The moment i stepped in the hotel I was so busy and tired and fatigued and felt so blah.Had to run around doing this and that.No electric guitar coz the guy didnt bring his amp.Sei mou. First day was when most people felt most relaxed but for me it was like omg.can.die.

The best bits were actually the worship, sessions, the FOOD and the beach.Its been close to two years Ive never set foot in some camp and this time, I actually felt refreshed by God.Amazing rush really. It's like God decided to visit us and all of us felt it.

Omg. Never in a million years did we have buffet for camps and this time, we could eat to our heart's content.THAT I was really happy about.If I had ten thumbs,I'd give it ten thumbs UP.

Worship sessions were a blast. I've never seen people worship so deeply for years now and seeing them lift their hands and just singing out their lungs is just an amazing feeling knowing that the worship team and I have done our part in bringing them to God.

Some people really got on my nerves during camp.I ranted mostly to Jeremy,calling him gazillion miles away to talk about my frustrations.That helped a whole lot coz if I didn't,I would've burst and made people regret and make myself regret also.But God spoke to me through Ps. Matt and everything struck me right to the core.

I had no time to go swim.Awesome pool man.No time to swim.:(

I have no idea who's idea it was to play Sims like we did in the first Amazing Race camp but I must say, IT WAS SO FUNNY. Everyone really had a lot of fun, especially me. Laughed at everything. It was really a success. Lol. That was the highlight for me.

K.go back to sleep now. I think pictures would resurface on fb or smtg.

Just keep on chasing.

2010-04-15T16:19:00.002+07:00

You know, I am thoroughly disgusted by the fact that Malaysian public unis only accept Bumis & STPM leavers.I don't understand the reason behind doing this and making the standards of our universities fall short compared to universities in other countries. & how is Malaysia going to get the brightest minds in the world IF they send their own scholarship students overseas? & how is it that students from other countries admit into our local public institutions?Or maybe they can't?

HOW IN THE BLOODY WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE A PRE-U ie A Levels,SAM or CPU if public universities wouldn't accept them?

I don't know why only Malaysia's education system is so biased against other races than their own kind. 1 Malaysia bs.

Lang lang.

2010-04-10T17:52:00.004+07:00

Watching another amazing pianist and myself pale in comparison gets me so jealous.Sheez.Especially if they play Chopin.& especially if they're Chinese. Stupid geniuses.

Get me some.talent.:(

Happy 18th to me!

2010-04-06T16:18:00.004+07:00

I shall talk to myself now on the aftermath about yesterday.Yes,talk to myself.No,I do not need to see a shrink.

You know,Deb. You are so fickle-minded. You can't even plan a proper bash for yourself coz you were just too lazy so instead you decided to have a quiet one.(which I can tell is stupid of you,bcoz you are SO NOT like that,I knew you like to share your moments with people but you did not,go do illegal things like driving without a license and whatnots but you didnt,tsk tsk). & how is it that the first thing you thought of when you woke up on the the day you turned eighteen would be ID LIKE TO EAT CRABS TODAY?! Like WHY CRABS,WOMAN?

& why did you say no when your mom asked you whether you wanted a cake? Gosh. You are SO weird. For all I know, I wouldn't want my birthday to be quiet. I wanted me turning 18 to be one of the big highlight birthdays in my life.Gosh,you ruined it. Such a party pooper.

Just as I thought your day was going to be the worst birthday you were going to have, somehow you turned it around when you had the best Japanese lunch my tummy could ever have. Now,that was really something. & who would've thought 3 people at lunch was going to be so good? Good thing it was three, or you're bill would've burn your clothes,not only your pockets. Laughing the afternoon away with random chit chat would've just passed at some nice hang out day but it wasn't just that. The comfortable silences were actually COMFORTABLE.

And the dinner was the bomb. For the first time in a long time,I didn't need supper eventhough it was 1am.I could've just eaten the crabs all my life and die happy.Oh well, you got what you wanted.A quiet birthday affair,and I must say, you were right from the beginning.You didn't need a big crowd or loud music or out of tune birthday songs to make you happy.

Next year, I'm planning it a month in advance though.:P

ps-Yeah.that was my other conscience typing.Not my fault.

Melt already.

2010-04-04T20:33:00.002+07:00

I had many comments throughout my life that would state my state of rage from other people's opinions.I've remembered three so far.

"You know,that time when you were walking down the corridor in school then Raeshma bang your shoulder,you know la Raeshma she won't say sorry one. But walao, that day she banged you,she saw your face then she went 'DEBBIE OMG SORRY!' Fuiyoh. Raeshma saying sorry to you man. See,that's why you must control your anger okay,Debbie." -Becky Yoong.(WHAT LARRR. It wasn't like i was actually mad at that okay).

"You make her mad ah, you just wish you die already la."-Jane Lam(always the drama queen with her warnings)

"You know when you got mad, my ears turned red."-Jeremy Soon.(tsk.I didnt do anything!)

The only time I remembered getting really mad was when i was 12. & yelling at the Yellow House people till one girl cried. Other than that, were dance practices,yeah.Or cheer practices.

Aiyah.I will just keep quiet when I'm mad next time lar.

The best decisions are made without thinking.

2010-03-29T16:40:00.011+07:00

I started my real job as a promoter for 2 days during the weekend.I was supposed to be promoting Johnsons&Johnsons but throughout those 2 days,people have been asking me questions about everything but the product.Example;

1.Do you know where the shampoos are?Errm,naaayyy.

2.Where can I find some product's name?Umm,I'm not sure.It's my first day here.*smiles(HOW THE PHUCK WOULD I KNOW).

3.Do you know the price for THIS product? Just go over to the scanner at the second lane*sickly sweet smile.(REPEAT 10 TIMES or more IN A DAY).

If there ever was a The Longest Stander competition,I'd win it hands down.I'm serious. It was pure mental torture ( loads of imagination needed to kill 10 hours of time), pure physical torture (stand for ten hours without leaning,and tell me how that feels) & it was really really really boring( fiddling with products are the next best thing to standing,how sad).I'd rather just be selling cupcakes like Justin does,anyday for the year compared to being a very sad promoter person.

Good money though.I think.

Haha.and oh.I read this on wordboner.com.

I’m a 16 year old female. One of my best friends is gay, and he wanted to spend the night. My mom rejected the idea. What since does this make? I mean I can go to my other friends house and she’s a lesbian. My family’s views are fucked.

The way I see it, your lesbian friend can’t impregnate you. The gay friend, gay as he might be, still has a penis. Your mom is probably freaked out about that, I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought you’re just faking the gay thing as a cover. Moms are crazy when you’re 16, and there’s nothing you can do or say to change that.

I want to lick marmite off a japanese boychild. Just kidding.
That’s frightenly disturbing. Even with the ‘just kidding’ part.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Dayum.

2010-03-28T22:39:00.002+07:00

Phuck.I can't get the cheesecake image off my head.I'm that hungry.

It's written all over.

2010-03-26T21:25:00.007+07:00

You amuse me.Make me laugh.I look forward to every moment.Don't let go.Coz you're so near yet so far.I smile each time I see you. Every morning I look forward to the rest of the day,knowing you'd be there.I like to be in your arms. Silent moments are shared and yet,it feels so comfortable. You make me worry when I don't hear from you for a while. My heart skips a beat everytime we think of the same thing. It's never faded. I talk to you every single day & laugh about stupid things. Things around me remind me of you. I can't stop.

I wish i could keep you for eternity.

Mahler No.3

2010-03-23T20:09:00.004+07:00

I've been listening to lots of Classical courtesy of Ben,and I must say it's really calming & I love the feeling of escapism.

I see people leaving one by one and I'm wondering when my turn is.Maybe right now, God doesn't even want me to go anywhere. But I do.

Jeremy's cupcakes were quite good.For a first timer, he was. ;D Prolly going swimming with my dearest tomorrow. I find that we like to laugh at the silliest things no one could possible find funny,but we do. I guess we appreciate the finer things in life,eh.

By our love.

Misnomers.

2010-03-17T20:45:00.004+07:00

I actually abandoned my Korean drama craze a long time ago after watching My Lovely Sam-soon halfway or should I say,not even half.It's boring.But I guess Onggie would find it *OMG SCREAMS* coz got Daniel Henney all.

♥

DID I MENTION THAT CHIO PHOTOGRAPHER that photoshopped my pictures?

He photoshopped my braces.Damn happy okay.I was thinking how I'd look back at the nerdy picture in 5 years time and go,"Oh...good times."Looks like I didn't need to anymore.

♥

I watched a few clips of Saw from Youtube. Serious psychopathic show.Especially Saw 2.

♥

I was watching National Geographic that day.I didn't know Korea was divided into North and South.And did you know that North Korea is one of the most secretive countries(yeh,its a country on it's own) in the whole world?

For one.they don't even have internet*dies. Handphones are banned. They live in the 1920s,I'm serious. They worship their dictator of a leader. LIKE SERIOUSLY,WORSHIP. His pictures too.They bow,kiss,sing songs of praise.They hate Americans. They ALL want to kill Americans. Sick nation. You must hear the way they talk about their 'Great Leader'.You can tell they're brainwashed for generations.Some brainwashing ideology called 'Juche'.

NO ONE.

NO ONE HAS ESCAPED NORTH KOREA.unless you're smart.or you want a quick suicide.

My gosh.I wanted to cry that moment.torture man.

I do it My way.

2010-03-15T18:27:00.002+07:00

Yesterday,I went to this christian rock band concert.It was soooo damn goood.

I told off a few annoying loudmouth idiots after enduring 2 hours of endless crap talk and almost ruining my night. Needless to say, they left a little while after being told off(possibly to annoy other people with their stupidity).They deserved it.Suckers.

Intense.

2010-03-12T23:08:00.002+07:00

I shuffled across.every step,pacing faster.Passing through the familiar crowd.The smell, the sound. It all seems to fade away and dissolve in the background of my thoughts.There was nobody.nothing .Everything was just too oblivious.I walked faster this time round.Hurriedly,impatiently, as I always am.I swore my heart skipped a beat.Fuck anticipation,it ruins everything, I thought to myself.

Where was it?It was gone.The look you gave me.You were telling me.All the questions.Unanswered.I paced back and forth,not knowing how to feel,what it lies.

Because all i knew has just crushed me.I shouldn't have known from the start.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails

Where.

2010-03-12T20:36:00.002+07:00

Right now,I'm facing.a totally unexpected thing.

Bang my head please.

2010-03-09T17:38:00.004+07:00

I read the first blog i had on xanga yesterday coz i was bored.it was.

SO STUPENDOUSLY EMBARASSING.

1.When i read it,every friggin second i was like *slaps head* WTF!

2. I can't believe I say everything in my blog.like literally! EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DETAIL.

3. gosh,I wish I can hide in a corner.

Example:

so it seems.....today was all abt da headmistress retiring....u noe wat arr....i think our school cursed or sumthing.....every year sure got headmistress lari wan.....come also tak sampai one year ...go adi.....haihyo.......or maybe our school students too "GOOd" to handle....bwahahahahaha.....hey,we're not retards okay?!.....itz juz dat were too great for them to handle....lolz.....*perasan-ing*

there are worst.

CAN I JUST DIE NOW.IDK HOW PEOPLE USED TO READ MY OLD BLOG LAST TIME & NOT GET ANNOYED.

3am

2010-03-09T02:18:00.001+07:00

confused.& its so late.

I just want to...

& I will go the distance.

2010-03-05T19:34:00.003+07:00

Gosh.talking to Christine,Eva and Sueli was hilarious.I miss them.and the talking.

My plan A for the future would include about half a million ringgit(as if I had that kind of money), going to Ireland(that's my dream,hopefully a reality), coming to the rescue of many sore teeth, getting retired by 45 or something, being called Hello Doc, getting paid big bucks for touching teeth(which is a plus), and my passion to see straight teeth in everyone's life.not only rich kids, but also help the people who can't afford it to smile like they're proud of it.:D

My plan B for the future would include maybe 1/5 of half a million ringgit( i think) , dream of going to anywhere except in Malaysia for the degree, scouting for talents & recording new artistes, working in a studio(always my dream), being able to get back stage passes to all the international concerts(YEAHHHHHH).

Solutions to reach goals.

1.get a scholarship,sista.

2.apply to all the colleges ASAP. & see how much edufund i have.

3.GET A SCHOLARSHIP.

4.SCHOLARSHIP.

5.Form Six.

People always ask me what i wanna do in the future and after they find out, they go "WOW.TWO DIFFERENT FIELDS!".Science & Arts.

Ya la, I wanna be superwoman, cannot is it.

When alarm rings.

2010-03-02T19:58:00.004+07:00

It suddenly hit me today that I'm no more in high school.I guess after SPM, all I thought about was just chillin and having fun and celebrating freedom that I never really had a moment's thought of how it feels to not be in school anymore!

Let me tell you how it feels.

It feel like.this undescribable happiness that comes from your stomach and finally radiates across your face like you just found out something incredibly amazing or you just received awesome news from a friend.There's no more stress involved.No more friends to worry about whether they have your back or not.No more contemplating whether recess is making you fat.No more MUGGING for exams(hahahah,ive been waiting to say this for a very long time).No more nagging from parents that start with "But you have upcoming exams...".No more thinking twice about whether the afternoon session is gonna steal your books you keep under your desk.No more prefect telling you to massage her.No more homework copying. It's like that.

God, I love this feelin.Just one more month of this bliss.

Yet,I just wanna say that whatever time you have left with your friends,cherish them.And there's no need to be all sad and talk about the future. Use the time you have now to bond and there's always a future seeing them all without any real efforts involved. Last but not least, do the craziest things because crazy=memorable.

Just think for a moment.

2010-02-26T17:46:00.003+07:00

I have been.

having eyebags worst off than when I was studying for SPM.

trying to decide where to go and what to do for my future,it's making me sick.

Trying to play my piano piece that I abandoned last year.

My teeth hurts.

Watching a korean drama needs patience man.

Opera is funny.

I remembered there were many things i wanted to do last year,now i don't remember.

Sitting at home moping is not the best way to spend my time.

There's no more CNY cookies that i like,all's left is the boring unes.

Tim Urban on American Idol fucking cannot sing okay.

I think i want a dog.

I want someone to listen to me,and not say anything.

;)

Shortbread and milk

2010-02-24T23:21:00.002+07:00

its 12am and someone's talking food with me and God,i wanna eat now but I'm so lazy to brush my teeth later on.

I'm thinking bread,ham,tomatoes,and mayo.I'm soooooo HUNGRY.

Take me away,far far away.

2010-02-21T20:54:00.003+07:00

I feel like singing to someone and finishing the song for that person.

Can you be that person?

Lee.

2010-02-20T14:26:00.006+07:00

You know,if someone asked me if I had any celebrity crushes,I always had to think so hard and give lame answers like..."Anyone hot lar" or "Errr.David Beckham kua."Yes,I'd be that a boring person.

But now i can finally say I have ONE.

Presenting you....LEE MIN HO!

*swoons*

I remembered that time I went into Etude House and i saw his picture and went,

Ew,who's that in a girl's store?

Now.I take it all back.ALL of it.

Sadness is.

2010-02-18T16:00:00.004+07:00

I find myself thinking time and time again about why this feeling's getting to me.Crying isn't the best solution.Heck,it'll make you think harder about what you want to forget and the next day,it'll haunt you again even worse.Haven't I stopped searching for my one purpose?Haven't I just settled with what i have?

Doubts shroud around like a dark mist,blinding the path in front.I keep telling myself to wait,but second thoughts make me wonder what I am actually waiting for.No one gives directions,they are only there to give you options and solutions.I finally find that I cannot keep on shielding myself.Like a feeling to shield the other.Suddenly,there's nothing left to me but the need for somebody to just tell me what's wrong with me.What they see,what I am in their eyes.Someone to sit beside while I cry without any reason.

Is it because I've been living in fantasy all these while to not realize the reality behind it?Or have I blocked out the reality of my own world and constantly think that it's okay to be in a world I don't belong.

Someone once told me that they know about the things I face when I myself didn't realise what it was.The pain,about not letting go,about being a hard metal safe.About putting a front when in fact,deep inside it hurt.

I need to find something to numb the pain.It doesn't get better in time.It doesn't.

Boys over flowers

2010-02-16T16:53:00.002+07:00

I've been watching Boys over Flowers to kill time & heat.

i like the lead guy a lot.

k.very bored now.

;(((

I miss me love

2010-02-15T14:48:00.001+07:00

We like to do funny things.AITE.

Rawrrrrr.

2010-02-13T23:32:00.002+07:00

Happy Chinese New Year to all my lovelies.

Wear something fierce and have a roaring good time!

Bubbly business.

2010-02-10T19:50:00.008+07:00

These soaps are so COOL.i want one.

My point exactly.HEES.

Goodnight and Go

2010-02-08T17:05:00.002+07:00

For Valentines this year...

I don't need a bed of roses, a box of chocolates,a new piece of jewellery & a candlelight dinner.

I just need a hug, a kiss and nothing else.