To you.

To the anonymous loser who commented on my blog.

FUCK YOU. People make mistakes. Lies even,in the past. I can't say I'm even proud of it and least now I own up and don't do such things anymore. And if you don't like reading about my bubble of a world then fuck off.

And oh. Since you can't even own up about being transparent as a human being I don't see why I see the need to write to you nicely as well.

2 weeks.

Countdown to my exams.

I remember saying I wouldn't write here till exams end

but

I just had to come here and write cuz I've been jamming my brain with words I mind as well release all that stress with words as well.

Studying has been hard.

Mrs.Yee said this would be one of the hardest hurdle to face and indeed,it has just been a gruelling time. Like everyday,my life's purpose is to

study and

sleep and

study.

I've been off fb for a while. Which is quite an achievement since Im always so connected all the time before this( IM ALWAYS REACHABLE ACCORDING TO SOMEONE).But still occasionally I'll wish people birthday all la.

I wonder if I ever die tonight or tomorrow Ill remember my last day as just being a nerd.Gosh. But I believe I'll live till I'm wrinkly and saggy and what not. I hope I do,to say the least.

*if i die young right, I don't want to be laid with a bunch of roses ok.I want HYDRANGEAS.they're pweettyyy.

Being single for the first time in the longest time.

I can't say much about that.

I guess I'm adjusting and I notice getting noticed and talked to a lot more by people. HEHEH

So preoccupied with my giant of an exam I don't actually have time. to think about it.But they say being single is fun. So I might just try that for a while.

or for a long time.

Till I meet someone right.

Yeh.

I've been trying to gain weight so I've been eating like MOUNTAINS OF FOOD for supper every night.

Even for normal meals, I eat more than my average and yet...

last wednesday...

my classmate JOE HANG actually told me I lost weight.WTF.But on the plus side.I have a nice butt noww.HAAAA oktmi.(ignore this phrase k?!)

THAT SHALL BE ALL.Love you guys. See ya after muh exams.

I.

I really had my game face on all the time.It's just the matter of how hard I'd push myself to go that extra mile.Was quite disappointed with my trials this time round.Actually knew that I didn't put in much effort but at the same time I was just so tied down and stressed studying all the time and the efforts felt a bit like a waste.There's probably another 50 days left till the real thing and I have God to draw my strength from.

It's been 2 weeks. Friends around had been a great bunch. Things are beginning to feel better and I just hope it'll stay that way for now.

The week after the break up, I actually talked with my mom about it. She just adviced me a lot and for the first time in a long time,she gave me a very long hug. Not those hugs that are sentimental for the moment or a congratulatory hug, a hug that I last remembered getting when I was nine.Which was a very long timee ago.Like ages.I just continued to cry and hold her there and then in that embrace and she just squeezed me really tight knowing how difficult it was for me to really pick myself up at that time.

I really thank God for her because she really helped put things into perspective for me.A lot of people have been a concerned lot and Im just grateful. Well at least this chapter of my life closes,I guess a new page has to be written.

----

The next day,Jane and I went to Penang for a trip.To shop for our dresses.Hehheh. It was total chaos that morning before take off coz I arrived at the station without my tickets (coz I left my purse on the bed...so stupid of me wtf) and I had to fly back home(well,actually mom sped like crazy all while shouting at me at the same time) and get the tickets and then Jane went to the wrong station and I only found out after calling her when I didnt see her in the station 5 mins before take off.FULAMAK.Like I said-chaos.

But thank God we managed to get into the bus in the nick of time.LIKE SPOT ON. Hahahaahaah.

To cut the story short,I managed to get my dress but Jane didn't. But I had fun with her. :) My cousins also hung out with us for a while.Designated drivers.HAHA.And otw back,we also almost got robbed/raped/murdered/idk la coz there was this two bangla guys who followed us when we were walking from my grans place (which was like 2 mins away from the station)towards the bus station and my cousin actually called to say she saw them following us. Which was quite scary.

In the end, I just had a great time with my bestie and Idk when we'd ever do this again.Haha.

Anyway,it's been a long time since I've done actual blogging I kinda forgot how it felt to pour out my day in my blog.But I guess I won't do it much considering I have to...HAVE TO STUDY. So this would prolly be the last update till Dec.

Nights,world and beyond (I still believe there's something out there *Xfilestheme).

Okay,okay.BYEEEEEE.

This is it.

Fin.

Forever didn't last for me. I don't ever want to get hurt anymore.It's too much to bear.

claiming;

i sit on the cobbled ledge waiting for you to come, and i think there must have been something i must have missed, something i must have forgotten…
the numbers on the calendar tick down to the day i do not want to come, but there’s nothing i can do, and i ask myself, why must you be the one leaving, and i the one to stay behind, but i cannot answer these questions, so i just turn my head towards the sun and watch blinding sparks of imagination streak across my vision, making me numb to the thought of being apart from you.

Deserting.

“There are so many fragile things, after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts.”

—	Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

I've def been counting down on the days I was going to handover my post.Then, TC said we had to train the future excos for another week.SIGHS. Countdown pushed back.

I believe if I were made lady head last year,things would've just been so different and if I were to turn back time,I'd still relive being a deputy anytime.I saw the kind of pressure you'd have and falling short of teachers and students expectations alike can be daunting. So,thank you Lord.

Now on to serious matters.There was this point of time I actually considered taking my life.I know it's stupid,I already know. I just couldn't take the emotional weightage. It was just too much.I know it's wrong to say this but I actually thought about it. I was facing things alone,in a crowd of people. Broken. I just had to pick up the pieces on my own cuz I knew I just had to. No one could. People just didn't want to listen.Properly. And also because I couldn't bring myself to pour out everything cuz I know it would've been too overwhelming to the listener. I didn't blog as much because I just couldn't vent. I'm not trying to scare you or anything ( ifyou'rereadingthis) but I knew I meant the world to one person and also because of an incident few months back,so that really put my thoughts in a rational state because I saw how much it hurt people. Having him around didn't help much as well because my heart bled each time I remembered the past.

I know you must be thinking I'm crazy. Stupid, even, to think about it. But that was how much hurt I had inside. So I took a day off. I cried my heart out. And felt so much better after that. And so day by day,I coped. People say I'm strong,so I guess I'll believe what they say.

I'm fine now,really. It was just a thought. Nothing else. Just want to document this part of my life in this measly lil blog no one reads now so I can come back some time in the near future to read it.

With love,Deb.

Thriving on ice so thin.

Sometimes,I wish I was your priority.Not all the time, just at times when I'm lonely I expect you to actually be there when you're already physically there,but no,you were missing.I just got to get used to a lot of things. Comparing things less. Maybe then i'll truly see things for what it is and not just complain about it.